Weapons grade*

If anyone other than the named recipient reads these words, they are all fictitious and for entertainment only, not meant as threat to or subversive re anyone or any government, especially my own snoopy one.

Revelations about NSA covert operations against U.S. citizens prompted this disclaimer at the bottom of my email messages, a blanket to cover whatever I wrote and sent from wherever from now on, usually from here outside the borders of the U.S. I thought then, why other than my location would anyone be interested in what I wrote to anyone by email. What keywords would they use to bring my name and content up on their screens?

In the Daily Mail in May of 2012, we get a list of keywords "used by government analysts to scour the Internet for evidence of threats to the U.S." The list in part looks like this, with examples from some of my email messages, typos and malaprops included. I thought by putting this out I could save Homeland Security a bit of trouble.

By the by. What are we doing publishing a list of keywords? and these keywords? Do we think that those planning ill will actually use any of these? for real? Where is a Snowden when you really need one?

Afghanistan: There's this great new restaurant down the street run by some guys from Afghanistan. I didn't know it was allowed to serve goat here just steps away from the stock exchange in New York. They are in disguise there. They don't look Afghan. They don't wear a kameez or lungee.

Al Qaeda: The photo on my German driver's license, valid for life, looks like I am a member of Al Qaeda. Check out my beard! It was a late hippie phase I went through. You know, rebellious. I was in Munich when those fellows in arms killed the Israeli athletes. That's when I got it.

Iraq: The first year of teaching in the Soviet bloc as an academic exchange pro of sorts, I had this young talkative student from Iraq. We conspired to elude the guys tailing us and have coffee and a chat, both of us being foreigners.

Agro and Chemical: My wife works these days at an agriturismo, you know, a farm where they don't use chemicals in anything agro. All natural. No worries about poisons in your food. Aren't the use of chemicals in growing things a kind of bio-terrorism? I'm sure the Italians think so.

Assassination: I classify the killing of Martin Luther King as an assassination, don't you, Mohamed?

Attack: I think this whole domestic spying thing is an attack on our privilege of privacy. No one ever had any right to privacy and will not from now on if we continue to support our government's policies in this regard!

Authorities: I have to give it to the Italian authorities. They are a mob protecting their own and eliminating, in all legal, illegal and subversive ways, foreigners of all colors.

Weapon: I doubt any terrorist puts in an email, "Hey Christian, what is your weapon of choice in this crusade to convert? An egg salad sandwich? Careful the eggs don't blow apart in that pot. Lotta heat and pressure will detonate eggs." Exploding eggs, what a concept.

Conventional: I am so conventional that no one would bother to go beyond the subject line of my specially encoded messages. How do they do that html stuff in an email message anyway? It is encryption enough for the ordinary government worker, I would guess.

Cops: Johnny is so cute. I am a little concerned, though. We played cowboys and Indians when we were kids. Now he plays cops and drug dealers. And the plastic guns. They are just like uncle's assault rifle in that cabinet, the one with the glass door I should point out. What is this world coming to? What is my family coming to?

Dirty bomb: She had this fantastic dirty bomb hair, and I thought it was real. Turns out she used some chemicals from the cabinet. I thought she said momonium or something. My hair dresser friend said it was probably peroxide, if she made it at home.

Disaster management: I came home and the kids and babysitter--I could have killed them all. I went into disaster management mode right away Someone should have called 911 or FEMA or someone to clean up the mess before I got home!

Domestic security: The man said it would give us all a feeling of domestic security at home. Little did I know that Uncle Pedro were code words for a pedophile program that infected my home computer network like a virus from Iran. I am glad they installed that ante-virus program on our network. But Ralph needs to put a password on the system still.

Drill: You know the drill. Here at Kindergarten Madrass we line the little bastards up and ask who did it. One of them you can be sure burnt that book and told someone he did it. Training these kids these days is like training a terrorist. They each have their own ideas about how to act in a modern daycare facility. We are so vulnerable to subversive little acts of rebellion. And stealing the lunch snacks like that, too.

Eco terrorism: Eco-terrorism these days takes you to the most exotic places, places where no will know where you are and what you are doing. Best way to get away . . . from it all. I recommend slipping away unnoticed so no one will ask questions before you split. No one here at the office will notice you are gone for a few days. You need time off. Avoid the burn out, I say.

Enriched: You know those corporate guys get enriched while we peons eat peanuts. I am so envious of the one percent. Why, I could become a militant Occupy member.

Terrorist: I ain't no terrorist. But if I was, I'd bomb first and ask questions later, just like Americans. I could be the Great Satan with those little Jihadists. Funny expression, no? Like I would really use a chemical weapon on those Italian flies. Sticky paper will do the job just fine. Just be patient till they get caught in their own curiosity.

Exercise: They say it is good for everyone. So why don't they make a law about that? Exercise yourself to death!

Improvised explosive device: My wife said her IED failed her and now she is expecting. I was so not expecting this.

Law enforcement: Law enforcement? No worry. Not here in Italy. Got a little something baksheeshish to seal the deal?

Mitigation: It's invasion mitigation. I like the sound of that. Olive trees are vulnerable just like any other old tree.

Example of mitigation with deadman.

Momonium: (See entry for Dirty bomb.)

Nitrate: I wonder if the salami has nitrates? Doesn't that mean that one could explode?

National preparedness: The news is full of what to do. I remember when we were told to hide under our desks in the name of national preparedness. Do you think a nuclear device gives a damn about a wooden desk?

Nuclear: My nuclear family includes Mario, Maria, Massimo and Giuseppina. We are our own little Mafia and would go on a rampage if we didn't get our daily dose of pasta.

Prevention: (What terrorism planner would use this word and how?)

Recovery: (What terrorism planner would use this word? a banker?)

Response: (What terrorist teachers ask for every time there is a question. Where is a Snowden . . . )

Target: (Which shopper doesn't know about this place?)

Weapons grade: When we lived in Mexico it was really dangerous, what with the gangs and dead competitors along the road that you read about. We worried a lot about that, always on alert. And the chilli peppers! Now, that was weapons grade stuff. Blast your ass off the day after, not to mention incinerating your mouth and stomach.

Continue. So ridiculous I can't.

---
*Department of Homeland Security's 2011 'Analyst's Desktop Binder'

Is English an easy language?

[An experiment. The intended audience is not clear, as is clear from how it is written. Will rewrite, maybe.]

The Czech says "no interpreting", which should be OK.
The sign has thus two messages!
Don't interpret. Bad advice.
Don't translate. Good advice.

The answer I most often hear to this question is that English is an easy language to learn, at first. You can start speaking in one or two lessons. Advanced learners of English do not fill up courses when they are offered, but if you happen to encounter one who is studying formally, in a school for example, or informally, that is they are seriously studying on their own, these students will say that to speak, read, and write English well is quite difficult (listening and comprehending is another subject to be treated separately).

All too often this question is an implied comparison. Is English easy to learn compared with (usually) one's own language? If this is the meaning, the answer is meaningless. One's native language is learned in an entirely different way from a foreign language. There are only opinions and conjectures to be made of how one learned one's own language in cultural and immersive environments, which give learning from birth or before a most seamless quality. The foreign language requires methods and materials and structured and planned unstructured activities leading to acquisition. So enough about which is easier to learn.

Is learning English easy compared with another in the same language family (e.g., German)? Yes, perhaps. A different language family (e.g., Vietnamese)? No, perhaps not. Compared with another foreign language one has already studied? Well, here it gets even more interesting. Yes and no.

If you have studied another language and know the technical ins and outs of your own, I suspect, and research should bear this out, each additional language provides a broader base with which to associate anything deemed linguistically different or new for you. In other words, the more you know languages and how they are put together and what they share between and among one another, the easier a new one will be.

One thing that makes English a bit more challenging sometimes is that it adds many new words and expressions in general and specialized versions each year. So can anyone know English perfectly? No. Just as you can't know your own unless it is geo-culturally isolated or dead, which might be the same thing.

"But in my language we have one word for what you in your language--you have to use many words."

And so what is the point? Your language is better? Or mine is for the same reason? Is one word better than many or vice versa? This is a fine objection to the value of a language, or reservation about learning one, but it is again without much merit--in my opinion. Linguists and others should weigh in on this one. Here is my take.

Each language is translatable in that you can say with your word or words what I can say in my language, and I can do the same the other way round. The so-called lost nuances in a translation can always be articulated, and so if these are important or critical, an astute speaker-translator will fill in the missing pieces. If, however, I prefer to use a foreign word where an abundance of my own would substitute, plus I like the sound and sense, or the "je ne sais quoi" of the chosen foreign word or expression, so be it. I as a speaker in an increasingly international and multi-lingual world can use what says it best for me. And when I just want to use a word common in my social circles, yet foreign, I will. And people do. "Quatsch!" (So much more melodic than nonsense or bullshit, don't you think?

So where do I weigh in on this question of whether English is "an easy language"? After a number of years of having taught English as a foreign language and listening to countless non-native speakers every day, English is a wonderfully colorful and communicative language but difficult to learn at the higher levels. And not many students of the language get to the most proficient levels.

Dave's day

A recliner is a wonderful thing,

better than Google or Microsoft's Bing.

Let me sit my ass down

before I up and frown

for the work I would do--

should, could, must, or have to.

Today's next day's yester,

and time just a jester.

Yes, I'll get to it soon,

first I'll recline 'nd swoon.

I'll be comfy and warm.

Nawt nuttin I need do

'fore my life becomes goo;

and stuck to the pleather

I'll just watch the weather.

I shun all who perform!