If anyone other than the named recipient reads these words, they are all fictitious and for entertainment only, not meant as threat to or subversive re anyone or any government, especially my own snoopy one.
Revelations about NSA covert operations against U.S. citizens prompted this disclaimer at the bottom of my email messages, a blanket to cover whatever I wrote and sent from wherever from now on, usually from here outside the borders of the U.S. I thought then, why other than my location would anyone be interested in what I wrote to anyone by email. What keywords would they use to bring my name and content up on their screens?
In the Daily Mail in May of 2012, we get a list of keywords "used by government analysts to scour the Internet for evidence of threats to the U.S." The list in part looks like this, with examples from some of my email messages, typos and malaprops included. I thought by putting this out I could save Homeland Security a bit of trouble.
By the by. What are we doing publishing a list of keywords? and these keywords? Do we think that those planning ill will actually use any of these? for real? Where is a Snowden when you really need one?
Afghanistan: There's this great new restaurant down the street run by some guys from Afghanistan. I didn't know it was allowed to serve goat here just steps away from the stock exchange in New York. They are in disguise there. They don't look Afghan. They don't wear a kameez or lungee.
Al Qaeda: The photo on my German driver's license, valid for life, looks like I am a member of Al Qaeda. Check out my beard! It was a late hippie phase I went through. You know, rebellious. I was in Munich when those fellows in arms killed the Israeli athletes. That's when I got it.
Iraq: The first year of teaching in the Soviet bloc as an academic exchange pro of sorts, I had this young talkative student from Iraq. We conspired to elude the guys tailing us and have coffee and a chat, both of us being foreigners.
Agro and Chemical: My wife works these days at an agriturismo, you know, a farm where they don't use chemicals in anything agro. All natural. No worries about poisons in your food. Aren't the use of chemicals in growing things a kind of bio-terrorism? I'm sure the Italians think so.
Assassination: I classify the killing of Martin Luther King as an assassination, don't you, Mohamed?
Attack: I think this whole domestic spying thing is an attack on our privilege of privacy. No one ever had any right to privacy and will not from now on if we continue to support our government's policies in this regard!
Authorities: I have to give it to the Italian authorities. They are a mob protecting their own and eliminating, in all legal, illegal and subversive ways, foreigners of all colors.
Weapon: I doubt any terrorist puts in an email, "Hey Christian, what is your weapon of choice in this crusade to convert? An egg salad sandwich? Careful the eggs don't blow apart in that pot. Lotta heat and pressure will detonate eggs." Exploding eggs, what a concept.
Conventional: I am so conventional that no one would bother to go beyond the subject line of my specially encoded messages. How do they do that html stuff in an email message anyway? It is encryption enough for the ordinary government worker, I would guess.
Cops: Johnny is so cute. I am a little concerned, though. We played cowboys and Indians when we were kids. Now he plays cops and drug dealers. And the plastic guns. They are just like uncle's assault rifle in that cabinet, the one with the glass door I should point out. What is this world coming to? What is my family coming to?
Dirty bomb: She had this fantastic dirty bomb hair, and I thought it was real. Turns out she used some chemicals from the cabinet. I thought she said momonium or something. My hair dresser friend said it was probably peroxide, if she made it at home.
Disaster management: I came home and the kids and babysitter--I could have killed them all. I went into disaster management mode right away Someone should have called 911 or FEMA or someone to clean up the mess before I got home!
Domestic security: The man said it would give us all a feeling of domestic security at home. Little did I know that Uncle Pedro were code words for a pedophile program that infected my home computer network like a virus from Iran. I am glad they installed that ante-virus program on our network. But Ralph needs to put a password on the system still.
Drill: You know the drill. Here at Kindergarten Madrass we line the little bastards up and ask who did it. One of them you can be sure burnt that book and told someone he did it. Training these kids these days is like training a terrorist. They each have their own ideas about how to act in a modern daycare facility. We are so vulnerable to subversive little acts of rebellion. And stealing the lunch snacks like that, too.
Eco terrorism: Eco-terrorism these days takes you to the most exotic places, places where no will know where you are and what you are doing. Best way to get away . . . from it all. I recommend slipping away unnoticed so no one will ask questions before you split. No one here at the office will notice you are gone for a few days. You need time off. Avoid the burn out, I say.
Enriched: You know those corporate guys get enriched while we peons eat peanuts. I am so envious of the one percent. Why, I could become a militant Occupy member.
Terrorist: I ain't no terrorist. But if I was, I'd bomb first and ask questions later, just like Americans. I could be the Great Satan with those little Jihadists. Funny expression, no? Like I would really use a chemical weapon on those Italian flies. Sticky paper will do the job just fine. Just be patient till they get caught in their own curiosity.
Exercise: They say it is good for everyone. So why don't they make a law about that? Exercise yourself to death!
Improvised explosive device: My wife said her IED failed her and now she is expecting. I was so not expecting this.
Law enforcement: Law enforcement? No worry. Not here in Italy. Got a little something baksheeshish to seal the deal?
Mitigation: It's invasion mitigation. I like the sound of that. Olive trees are vulnerable just like any other old tree.
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| Example of mitigation with deadman. |
Momonium: (See entry for Dirty bomb.)
Nitrate: I wonder if the salami has nitrates? Doesn't that mean that one could explode?
National preparedness: The news is full of what to do. I remember when we were told to hide under our desks in the name of national preparedness. Do you think a nuclear device gives a damn about a wooden desk?
Nuclear: My nuclear family includes Mario, Maria, Massimo and Giuseppina. We are our own little Mafia and would go on a rampage if we didn't get our daily dose of pasta.
Prevention: (What terrorism planner would use this word and how?)
Recovery: (What terrorism planner would use this word? a banker?)
Response: (What terrorist teachers ask for every time there is a question. Where is a Snowden . . . )
Target: (Which shopper doesn't know about this place?)
Weapons grade: When we lived in Mexico it was really dangerous, what with the gangs and dead competitors along the road that you read about. We worried a lot about that, always on alert. And the chilli peppers! Now, that was weapons grade stuff. Blast your ass off the day after, not to mention incinerating your mouth and stomach.
Continue. So ridiculous I can't.
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*Department of Homeland Security's 2011 'Analyst's Desktop Binder'
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